Women

Hair Is Life

We can thank Mindy and her post about hair for this one. By the way, have a go with her blog, it’s worth it if you want to laugh. And if you don’t like laughing, then you probably don’t like music either, which means I hate you.

I am writing this at fifteen minutes to eight. Do you know what this means? It means I only have fifteen minutes until The Bachelorette comes on, so I have to hurry my ass.

What’s more manly than a man who watches The Bachelorette? It’s not even The Bachelor – it’s The Bachelor-motherfucking-ette. One woman and twenty four men, or as I like to call it, every goddamn bar in the greater Metropolitan Los Angeles Area (hey-ohh). I can even make the distinction between Ben H. and Ben Z. for Christ sakes.

Actually, what am I saying? I have DVR, I can take my time here. Calm down.


I want to write about hair. Not Hair, but hair.

We’re not talking about the super campy musical from the 60’s.

By the way, I love The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It’s Apatow’s best movie. The Bollywood dance number to Hair’s “Aquarius” and “Let The Sunshine In” in the end is pretty spectacular. Just think of the actors in that movie: Steve Carell, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Catherine Keener, Romany Malco, Jane Lynch, Elizabeth Banks, Kevin Hart, Jonah Hill, Mindy Kaling. What a cast.

Here’s the clip. The guy finally gets laid. I don’t feel remotely bad for spoiling this because not having seen it by now is criminal.

But I digress.

***

Hair truly speaks to the human condition.

It’s a barometer for what’s popular. For men, faux hawks were in a few years ago; now it’s the side parted undercut look that’s in.

It reveals a part of one’s character. If a car can indicate something about a person, then so can hair. Asians especially – the hair is dead giveaway when determining if that person is a FOB or American-born.

For men, proper grooming can make up for a lot in the looks department. If a man considers himself a 3, he can easily move up to a 5 if his haircut is well-done and his face is well-shaven and clean. If a man considers himself a 10, well then fuck that guy anyhow (who has the audacity to think they’re perfect??).

It’s also a way to express ourselves. Those of us men who are still blessed with a full head of hair (trust me, those days can be numbered for any of us) have the freedom to form our hair in any way we desire. Do we want to look clean cut? Messy and rugged? This is rather important, because at first glance women tend to look at our faces a little more than we look at theirs, if y’know what I’m sayin’.

***

There’s a thing called fresh-cut confidence. It’s the reason why we get a haircut on Friday evening so that we’ll look our best in the clubs and bars. It’s why we make a pitstop at the barbershop right before Coachella. It’s why we make sure to get it done before we go on that date.

It’s amazing how men can feel completely better about themselves with their hair looking good. We may not even dress well, but good hair will carry us through. Men will have an extra hop in their step when they know the hair is on point.

Hair. It’s about life.

***

Actually, I can never quite get my hair to do what I want. That last bit of hair never stays put. And I haven’t even gone into body hair, and dare I say, pubic hair.

On second thought, I hate hair.

Such is life, however – we can love and hate the same thing.

I guess I was right. Hair really is life.

– Chris.

 

 

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Why Women Love Don Draper

Emily is currently binge watching Mad Men and she is making one thing abundantly clear:

Don Draper is hot.

He’s so dreamy and manly.

So, he’s everything I’m not? Just kidding, I have my moments.

But therein lies the crux of the matter. We mortal men have but moments, while Don Draper is always on: a man who knows who he is, what he wants, and sees to it that he gets his way.

Chris, you’re talking about a fictional character played by Jon Hamm. Did you see him Bridesmaids?

No, I know, but the ladies love Don Draper. When women are telling men that Draper’s the shit, men should take notice.

It would behoove us to analyze this further.

***

Don Draper. I don’t get it.

Full disclosure: I’ve only watched Season 1 of Mad Men. Based on that, when picturing Don Draper, the things that come to mind are:

  1. Binge drinking.
  2. Binge smoking.
  3. Heavy doses of sexual harassment and discrimination.
  4. Promiscuity and infidelity.

On second thought, I totally get why women love Draper – he’s an asshole, and women love assholes.

***

Okay, I’m being facetious. These are superficial elements that serve to illustrate the overall socioeconomic climate of America in the 1960’s. Mad Men is a period piece, after all.

So why do women really love Don Draper? One word:

Control.

He’s not in control of every situation (i.e. Betty), but he comes across as a man who’s always in control of himself.

The obvious is that he’s well-dressed and well-groomed.

The not-so-obvious is, to be frank, rather powerful.

Most communication is nonverbal, is it not? Don Draper’s posture is always immaculate. He never appears to be rushed or disheveled. He even looks in control when he’s drunk, which is a scientific marvel in itself. If I were downing whiskys like him in the afternoon, I’d end up talking like Lucy trying to sell Vitameatavegimin (do kids even get this reference? If not, how sad).

The eyes, as they say, are the window to the soul. Draper will always look you in the eyes when he speaks. He’s not looking down, kicking the floor. He has the constitution to maintain eye contact, which is quite a desirable quality.

Never before have we required less eye contact than now. Texting, Emailing, Tweeting, Facebooking. It’s like we’re doing everything we can to avoid eye contact.

This is kind of screwing men over. Let’s start looking at each other’s ugly beautiful faces.

Of course, verbal communication is important too. The speech is deliberate and intentional. One will never hear Don say, “So, I was thinking, do you wanna maybe, I dunno, if you wanted to, like, I dunno, go out and maybe get a drink with me sometime? But only if you’re free.”

He’ll bash a woman over the head with a club and drag her to the bar by her hair before he says that.

Body Language. Eye Contact. Strong Voice. All signs that Draper’s in control, and the chicks dig that.

Got it? Good.

***

Anyways, yeah so, maybe uh, you’ll sort of, I dunno, like this post, and umm, if you’re not too busy, uhh, like, maybe you can, I dunno, leave a comment or umm, sort of, give me a like maybe if you wanted to, umm, errr, uhhh, ummm, mmm, yeah.

– Chris.

Dear Ladies: Wait for 30

It’s been around seven weeks since Emily and I started this blog.

During this time, I have scoured the WordPress blogosphere and I have literally lost count of the number of posts I’ve read about how men are immature, creepy, and have a general lack of common sense.

Gee, y’all ladies are real funny.

No, to be honest, I enjoy reading these diatribes on males. The female bloggers we follow have great senses of humor and I look forward to reading more rants about the buffoonery surrounding men.

But yet, I am a man.

It’s like hearing a racist joke about Asians told by a non-Asian. It’s funny and I laugh, but I can’t help but feel some level of angst, right?

Actually, no, I love racist jokes. They never upset me, unless the joke is super lame. But I digress.


Here is what I want to say to the hetero-female bloggers out there:

Okay, I get it: men suck.

We can be Neanderthals at times, many times in fact. We always laugh if a fart or a dick joke is involved.

Our communication skills are, well let’s just say they can leave something to be desired. Sometimes we text you so much that the iMessage thought bubble seems permanently fixed to the text conversation, and yet there are other times when we act like you don’t even exist.

We want sex all the time. No dinner. No movie. No drinks. Just come over. Conversation? Bitch please. So what if it’s 3 AM and we live thirty miles away? Our magical penises will make it worth you’re while.

Do you feel those eyes staring at you from across the bar, burning a quarter-shaped hole into your cerebral cortex? Yeah, that’s us. We are on full-creep mode, our eyes looking you up and down as our mind’s eye undresses you, naked as the day you were born. And we don’t give a fuck.

We’ll buy you a drink. See, this way your inhibitions will go down and you’ll be shoving your vaginas in our faces. It’s a full-proof plan.

Movies? Books? Hobbies? Which ones do we like? Whichever one gets us in your pants.

***

Okay, calm down everyone. I just wanted to paint a picture of the men you all are describing in these blog posts.

Here’s the thing: to me, most of these guys sound like men in their twenties.

Men in their twenties are nothing but giant balls of testosterone (pun definitely intended) held together by bones, organs, and flesh.

You have to forgive them; it’s a biological thing. And now that every type of porn known to man is available in about 5 seconds, well they’re just jacking off constantly, and this is only making them more impatient and more prone to throw out manners and just go for the jugular.

Since it’s 2015 now, if a male was born between 1985 and 1995, he is probably masturbating to some grotesque shit right at this very moment. But I digress yet again.

***

There’s a silver lining: we mature at 30.

When we hit 30, we think, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we just listened once in a while?”

Or, “Wow, I actually enjoy spending a Friday night at home reading a good book.”

Or even still, “She’s got a cool personality. I appreciate the conversations we have.”

Wait, hold up, did you just say conversation? Yes I did. You see, we get better at that sort of thing, that whole human interaction thing. We give less shits about trying to impress you and more shits about being true to ourselves.

We learn to stand up for our principles and values, and this makes us unique.

We can develop genuine interest in you as a person, while still wanting to have sex with you, no doubt. But this we know can wait.

Guys get better at 30; we actually start to grow up.

But keep dating them twenty-somethings, because I love reading these blog posts.

Yours truly,

– Chris.

 

No More Thong Song

The year 2000 was a different time. Smartphones didn’t exist. There was no such thing as social media. The World Trade Center stood tall in the Manhattan skyline.

I was a senior in high school, and Sisqo’s Thong Song dominated the airwaves during that year. Everyone loved it. The girls enjoyed the catchy tune, and the guys, well, one can easily see why we loved it too. For seventeen year old guys with hormones bouncing around our insides like Pop Rocks inside our mouths, the music video was something else. A short, platinum-haired guy bouncing around women in glow-in-the-dark bikini’s? Yes please (As a side note, if LL Cool J makes a cameo in a music video like he does at the 2:31 mark below, you know it’s about to get real sexual).

If they weren’t already, thongs were brought into male consciousness as a result. The thong industry and guys with ass fetishes should give a big thank you to Sisqo for his efforts. Women started wearing thongs more and more; I would suspect some were motivated to feel more self-empowered and others wanted to attract men.

Today, an article was published by the New York Times: Young Women Say No to Thongs. It details a new movement of women opting for fully covered cotton underwear, abandoning the thongs that have been en vogue for the past decade and a half. These women are choosing comfort and practicality over fashion they believe is designed to appeal to men. There’s a popular line of underpants that have the word “feminist” printed on the back (oh yes, the F Word is brought up). The core of the movement which has gained a cult following is for women to dress for themselves and stop aiming to please other people.

I am all for people dressing for themselves. Women and men should have their own fashion sensibilities; whether we like it or not, the way we dress says something about who we are. Women who like wearing granny-panties should wear them despite what others may say, just as men should wear sweater vests if they feel so inclined despite public mockery.

There must be, however, plenty of women who wear thongs simply because they enjoy wearing them. It’s flat-out incorrect to generalize by saying all women wear thongs to appeal to men. As the article suggests, this movement towards fully covered underwear should be about variety– if a woman prefers more “coverage,” she should feel comfortable enough to do so.

Besides, men should just be excited that they can see women in underwear, period. If a man is getting intimate with a woman and gets suddenly turned off by her underpants, it’s time for him to be put on panty-timeout.

– Chris.

Checkout Charities – To Donate or Not To Donate?

TJ Maxx Home Goods Cashier: OK. So total today comes to $86.43.
Me: OK. I’ll put it on my credit card.
TJ Maxx Home Goods Cashier: Would you like to donate to Save the Children Foundation today?
Me: No thanks.
TJ Maxx Home Goods Cashier: Are you sure?
Me: *awkwardly* …Yes.
TJ Maxx Home Goods Cashier: [in a condescending voice] Okay. (Shoves me my bags of pillows and other decorative items clearly necessary for daily survival.)

It’s not that I don’t care for children despite my article of potentially never wanting to have children of my own. The same interaction generally happens at Petsmart, except there is no human asking you if you would like to donate, it’s on the credit card screen as:

Would you like to donate to your local humane society?
No Thanks   $1   $2   $3   Other

That is smart. Automated computers never get tired or forget to ask the question. The man in front of me donated, and as the cashier handed him his receipt, he announced, “Thank you for your generous donation today.” Then it was my turn to be rung up. *Gulp*. Now that my wallet is out and it’s clear I have $60 to spend on Kang Kang’s grooming, I should donate at least a dollar to a poor homeless dog, shouldn’t I? I’m sure the woman behind me heard the other man’s donation. Will she judge me and think I am a selfish, awful human being with no heart if I click that ‘No Thanks’ button? Will the cashier smile at me the same way he smiled at the donating man?

That is the problem I have with Checkout Charities. It has capitalized on human psychology and was invented to make a consumer feel trapped, guilted, and selfish if they decline on donating. I once asked a cashier at Albertson’s, “Can you tell me more about this charity? What percentage of the donations go to the actual charity? How much of it goes towards their cause?” She didn’t know how to answer a single question, not even the mission. Well, that is just fantastic.

It really is astounding. According to Cause Marketing Forum’s report, retailers raised $358.4 million in 2012 through this method. Its great for retailers because it makes them look like they actually care about non-profits and great for non-profits because they can profit. All the meanwhile the donations come from the consumer who really has no idea where the money is flowing to.

An article came out in the NY Times recently, titled ‘4 Cancer Charities Are Accused of Fraud‘. Everyone can relate to knowing someone who has been affected by cancer, right? Its devastating and we all want to find a cure or at least make the cancer patients remaining life better. So we slap pink ribbons on everything and hundred of millions of donation dollars later, there goes the executives taking a trip to Disneyworld… without the cancer patients. Only 3% of proceeds actually went to cancer patients?  This is ludicrous.

Not to be confused with Ludacris, a rapper.

Going back to human psychology, I find it really interesting that many stores now ask, “Would you like to round up your change to the next dollar?” I almost always say yes on this one. I don’t know what it is about nice whole round numbers. And for some reason knowing you are donating less than a dollar almost makes it feel like 0. What? My total is $3.01? Sure, let’s round that to $4. Add 99 cents …pfft that’s not even enough to buy a junior cheeseburger post tax.

Anyways, my point is, don’t get scammed into donating. Donate to causes you care about and donate anonymously. Unless you’re in the PAC party, there’s no need to share with the public who you support unless your end goal is to get others to donate to your cause you’ve researched and feel passionate about. Look at every charity as if they are a homeless drunk man asking you for a dollar. Would you trust this person?

Let’s discuss! To donate or not to donate?

– Emily

The Real Life Modern Day Disney Princess

Belle. Cinderella. Ariel. Snow White. Sleeping Beauty. What do all of these Disney princesses have in common? Opera voices. Perfect dance moves. Gentle demeanor. Dashing princes running to their rescue. Size 0 waists. Long, thick, shiny, perfect Pantene Pro-V hair.

Disney has built itself an empire over the princesses that so many girls fantasize about. This success didn’t come without scrutiny or controversy, however. Over the decades, Disney has responded to some controversy by diversifying its princess line from classic white beauty to Pocahontas (Virginia Indian), Jasmine (Arabian), and Tatiana (African American). To combat other controversies of princesses being too weak, they created heroines like Merida and Mulan. Still, the controversy continues. Many mothers and feminists report Disney is hurting girls’ self esteems because Disney is what it is… fantasy. Much like Barbie, it’s really hard to achieve the ‘perfect’ look unless you are willing to go under the operating table. That got me thinking…

Who would be a great real life modern day Disney princess?

In my opinion, the real life modern day princess can still sing and dance, but she is her own prince. She doesn’t need to act helpless to have a prince save her in the end, because she is independent. She doesn’t have a size 0 waist, she is whatever size, and feels confident in her own skin. She has a great sense of humor and charms strangers by showing her authenticity. She doesn’t have the perfect tousled hair but she embraces it in an Orthodox Jew ponytail.  The real life Disney princess creates her own happily ever after.

Does this description sound familiar? Why, yes, it is indeed Fat Amy.

If Disney could make a movie with Fat Amy as the main princess, it would be the best Disney movie ever. Perhaps The Big Mermaid is a fitting title. As Fat Amy would say, “Crushed it!”* Until then, I can’t wait for Pitch Perfect 2 to release!

*If you have no idea what I’m talking about I highly recommend you watch the movie Pitch Perfect.

Let’s discuss! Which pop culture celebrity or character would you like to see as the next Disney princess?

~Emily

*Chris was conveniently unavailable to weigh in on this post.

Ex Machina (2015) – The Power of A Woman’s Beauty

Men are victims to their aesthetics. Do they care more about looks than women? I don’t know, but I suppose it’s safe to say that we are influenced more by looks than women are.

Emily and I went see Ex Machina the other night. Without giving too much away, the movie dives into the psyche of Caleb, the man assigned to examine Ava, the Artificial Intelligence, or A.I. To Caleb’s surprise, he finds Ava to be fascinating and beautiful. He is attracted to her, and this feeling begins to influence the decisions he makes as the story develops.

This reminded me of another scene from another movie, the fittingly titled Beautiful Girls (watch it if you haven’t seen it. I highly recommend it). In this scene, Paul, played by Michael Rapaport, goes on a rant about the beauty of women. It’s actually quite good, in a quirky way:

We see it all the time – rich, powerful men with their beautiful trophy wives, the stereotypical, glaring example of women using their looks for personal gain. Surely, this isn’t the only case of men surrendering to a woman’s looks. What about the everyday situations where women use their beauty to their advantage? Are all women aware of the fact that they can use their looks to influence how men treat them? How many women have used their feminine charm at one point in their lives to help their cause?

Emily: One man’s loss is another woman’s gain. Whether it’s the free drink at the bar in exchange for conversation, the warning ticket from the officer in exchange for an “I’m so sorry, Sir, I was in a rush”, the free furniture delivery scheduled in exchange for a smile (yes, the salesman was a sucker), women know how to milk it. It wasn’t until an all girls trip to Las Vegas that I learned the power of the female body. Sin City makes every man wish they were rich and every woman wish they were beautiful.  As a woman, you are awarded free cover, VIP access, and free drinks from the men who pay bottle service. As a man, you better have that 3 grand to throw down on a table to get VIP access so you can watch all of that money be guzzled by the beautiful women you just paid for to sit at your table. Leave it to Vegas to reinforce this notion that men fall victim to their aesthetics.

Chris: Well, Vegas is outside of the norm. I guess what I’m curious about is how many women out there are aware of the fact that they can use their looks to their advantage, and how often, if ever, does the average woman actually put this into use? I know about the scenario of getting pulled over by the police, and there are other obvious instances like getting a drink from a bartender more quickly. But what are the more subtle cases where women get preferential treatment because of their looks?

Emily: Hmmmm. In the land outside of Vegas, I am sure the subtle treatment happens. Women may not be aware of it happening because it is so subtle. Occasionally, I’ve received a complimentary Starbucks drink and (more subtle) guacamole free of charge at Chipotle. Wild guess is the Starbucks barista was trying to be Mr. Suave because I’m sure he did not extend the same generous gesture to the bald man behind me. Whether the Chipotle cashier made a mistake or was subtly trying to charm me, I don’t know.  You hear stories of how women use their looks to their advantage a lot, even in the business world. I once talked to a beautiful realtor who told me she puts her headshot in her email signatures because it increases response rates. I don’t think these women are necessarily “using” their looks to their advantage in a deceptive way. I think the more appropriate way to phrase these situations is men are allowing themselves to be taken advantage of by freely giving it up. In the case of Mr. Starbucks and Mr. Chipotle, I don’t really know what they expected. “Why thank you, that’s so kind. You saved me a dollar. Here is my number. Holler.”

Chris: Not aware of it happening? Okay, sure. But you bring up a good point about deception. I think if a girl flaunts her good looks, milks it for everything its worth, and makes no bones about it then more power to her, but oftentimes guys get suckered into doing things for women because of their attractiveness. Hell, I wrote all about how I got Thomas Crowned. I just find it amazing how men of all statuses and intellects can fall to the charms of a woman’s beauty. It’s fucking annoying, but we’re just wired that way I guess. It’s going to happen to all of us – we just need to know the fine line between allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of in minor circumstances and becoming a total bitch and pushover. Do I sound bitter? I’m not bitter.