Swingers

I went out Saturday night with two of my single male friends. We went out to a bar known for their great beer selection, modern industrial ambiance, and good music.

That was a complete lie. This bar is known for having lots of girls.

Long story short, nothing too exciting happened. Don’t get me wrong, we had a good time, but the night didn’t play out like a scene in Swingers. There was no engaging with beautiful babies, no smooth operating, no swing dancing to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

I wonder why my friends didn’t talk to any girls there. I am certain they wanted to. These are two good guys, eligible bachelors who have their personal and professional lives in good order.

I’m also certain that I wanted to stand back and watch my friends talk to girls. Few things are better than being a fly on the wall while witnessing a friend attempt to spit game. I was ready to be their dating hype man, a personal Flavor Flav, if you will.

She’s with a group of girls.

I need to drink a little bit more.

I don’t know what to say.

I’m tired.

Excuses. They’re reasons for men to stay in our comfortable nests. I heard each one of these excuses that night from my friends. Fear of rejection cripples a lot of men out there. Here’s a tip: rejection will happen. It’s like baseball: if you have a career batting average of .300, you’re going to the Hall of Fame.

Actually, that night a girl came up and started talking to me. We engaged in some usual chit chat (What are you drinking? Are you celebrating something? Blah blah blah) when her friend came up and said, “Who are you?“, not in a friendly way, but with a scowl. She said it more like in a get-the-fuck-out-of-here-you-potential-rapist kind of way. In addition to being super rude, she obviously didn’t know that A) I wasn’t hitting on her friend, and B) her friend actually came up to me.

I say this to illustrate that some girls will reject a man no matter what, and that men shouldn’t take rejection personally. These types of situations have more to do with them, not us, so simply move on and be glad that’s not our problem.

I’ve found that the best way to approach a girl is by simply saying Hi. Quite a revolutionary idea, isn’t it? As men, we tend to over-complicate things. We try to look two, three steps ahead but forget to be in the moment. Let’s just say hi and see where that goes.

What do I say next? It doesn’t really matter where the conversation goes. A man and a woman in a bar can pretty much talk about anything. Of course, people don’t usually talk about how the housing market crash has impacted our national economy over cocktails with house music blaring in the background. But it’s important to remember that we’re all people. We all have lives and think about shit. Just talk.

I know, it’s so easy to write this when I’m sitting on my high horse behind a computer screen. Trust me, in my time I’ve struck out more often than Ryan Howard. I don’t claim to be an expert by any means. These are simply personal opinions from someone who can relate to the struggle.

And besides, Ryan Howard has hit plenty of home runs in between the strikeouts. Who wants to just hit singles all the time?

– Chris.

I love the movie Swingers – it’s undoubtedly a must-watch for every man. These are everyday guys that men can relate to because most men are living the same life.

The movie follows Mike (played by Jon Favreau), a struggling comedian who has recently been dumped by a longtime girlfriend and thrusted into the singles scene in Los Angeles. Every conversation inevitably goes back to his breakup, and he’s facing the brutal truth that this is his first time being single as an adult.

There’s a particular scene which I love. With some great advice from his buddy Trent (definitely be the rated-R guy), Mike approaches the bar and gets a woman’s phone number. The dialogue that ensues is cinematic gold:

So how long do I wait to call her? It may sound like a silly question, but is it really that trivial?

First of all, I’ve already written about how no one calls anymore, so texting can replace calling in this case. Oftentimes women make the mistake of assuming that once they give their number to a man, he’ll know what to do from there. The truth is, a lot of men have no idea what to do after this.

Should men even care? I think they should, or else there will be a large amount of this happening:

The answer, in my opinion, starts with a question, How do you want to come off to a woman? If a man gets a number and then leaves six, seven text messages later that night, surely he must know how that looks. Conversely, if he gets a number and doesn’t message her until two weeks later, she’ll probably want him to piss off. That said, I think it’s safe to say there’s an acceptable range of time after getting the phone number where a man should contact the woman. It’s up to the individual man to be aware of timing things correctly.

If you’d like to chime in on this, please leave a comment below. Everyone has their own opinion on initial contact etiquette, I’m not even sure if there’s a right answer.

– Chris