I haven’t been on WordPress for the past two weeks.
I wondered what I’ve been missing and what my fellow bloggers are up to.
Here is the overall theme from what I’ve gathered from five minutes of perusing my feed:
Got it. Thanks for the update. Good talk.
Chris.
Last night, our friends got together to celebrate Chris turning another year wiser.
We went to this bar/lounge/club in Orange County called The Commissary Lounge. I would like to rename this place The Meat Market. I have coined it The Meat market because my girlfriends and I could feel the eyeballs scanning us from head to toe as we walked into the empty room at 9:30. Picture a big warehouse, empty in the center of the room, and the perimeters lined with couches, a full bar, and a DJ. As the time passed on and the center started filling in, I did notice some women whenever I scanned the room for Chris. But it was definitely a sausage fest from where I was standing. So much of a sausage fest that there was an endless rotation of men who approached we three girls the entire night.
Credit: Yelp
Chris has written posts about how he thinks men should approach women. Given yesterday’s eventful night, I’d like to share a woman’s perspective of what works and what doesn’t work. Without further ado, I share with you a tactical guide to getting a girl’s number.
WHAT WORKS: Approaching a girl and asking her common questions like, A/S/L? I must have told at least 5 guys that we were from Arizona and I now live in Fullerton. *Yawn*.
WHAT WORKS BETTER: Small talk and basic get-to-know-you is okay, but what really stands out is when someone can spark a common interest or make an interesting observation off the bat. It is also refreshing when someone can show off their sense of humor or personality instead of interview you. Maybe I am annoyed by the interview questions because I’m a recruiter Monday-Friday. Leave me alone.
Example: A guy started asking a series of “Would you rather” questions. “Would you rather be fat with a beautiful face or have a model body with an ugly face?” … “Would you rather live life to the fullest and die at 35 or live a stable, ordinary life until 60?” … “Would you rather have hair all of your body and not be able to shave or be hairless everywhere?” The defensive shield lowered with every laugh.
WHAT WORKS: Early on in the night when the room was empty, us three girls sat on the couches. We were engaging in conversation until a pot head randomly sat down on one end and proceeded to have a conversation with Ms. Hot Commodity. This approach was okay, as he ended up conversing for around 15 minutes. Apparently he was pretty deep with the aid of Mary Jane.
WHAT WORKS BETTER: A really outgoing, confident dude came up to all three of us on the dance floor. What was really smooth about this approach was he didn’t single any one of us out. But what he was able to pick up from this conversation was that I was in a relationship, another was engaged, and only one was available. Even then, he continued to engage with the engaged girl, making jokes like, “How did I not notice that? Look at that ring. That must be a VS2.” Girls look to their girlfriends for approval and by being friendly with a girl’s girlfriends, you’ve just made allies. Plus, if you are able to learn multiple girls are single, you can then make your move instead of strike out with the, “Sorry. I have a boyfriend.” move. Often told by single girls as a shield.
WHAT DOESN’T WORK: A dude literally came up to me and introduced himself as we shook hands. The next question he asks is, “Where are you from?” As I internally sighed, I explain I’m from AZ but moved to Fullerton. He follows up with, “What made you move out here?” I replied, “For love.” What happened next? This fool literally walked away. Good luck getting close to my single friends!
WHAT REALLY WORKS: Be genuinely nice. There were a group of guys towards the end of the night who offered to buy us girls multiple drinks. But then one of them realized Miss Anonymous probably had reached her limit, and offered to get her water. Not just tap water but bottled water. This doesn’t really matter too much to me because when I’m dehydrated I could care less if it is filtered but bonus points to this super considerate nice guy.
By the way, this guy was the only one out of all the sausages who ended up leaving with a number. 🙂
#Winning
~Emily
We can thank Mindy and her post about hair for this one. By the way, have a go with her blog, it’s worth it if you want to laugh. And if you don’t like laughing, then you probably don’t like music either, which means I hate you.
I am writing this at fifteen minutes to eight. Do you know what this means? It means I only have fifteen minutes until The Bachelorette comes on, so I have to hurry my ass.
What’s more manly than a man who watches The Bachelorette? It’s not even The Bachelor – it’s The Bachelor-motherfucking-ette. One woman and twenty four men, or as I like to call it, every goddamn bar in the greater Metropolitan Los Angeles Area (hey-ohh). I can even make the distinction between Ben H. and Ben Z. for Christ sakes.
Actually, what am I saying? I have DVR, I can take my time here. Calm down.
I want to write about hair. Not Hair, but hair.
We’re not talking about the super campy musical from the 60’s.
By the way, I love The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It’s Apatow’s best movie. The Bollywood dance number to Hair’s “Aquarius” and “Let The Sunshine In” in the end is pretty spectacular. Just think of the actors in that movie: Steve Carell, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Catherine Keener, Romany Malco, Jane Lynch, Elizabeth Banks, Kevin Hart, Jonah Hill, Mindy Kaling. What a cast.
Here’s the clip. The guy finally gets laid. I don’t feel remotely bad for spoiling this because not having seen it by now is criminal.
But I digress.
***
Hair truly speaks to the human condition.
It’s a barometer for what’s popular. For men, faux hawks were in a few years ago; now it’s the side parted undercut look that’s in.
It reveals a part of one’s character. If a car can indicate something about a person, then so can hair. Asians especially – the hair is dead giveaway when determining if that person is a FOB or American-born.
For men, proper grooming can make up for a lot in the looks department. If a man considers himself a 3, he can easily move up to a 5 if his haircut is well-done and his face is well-shaven and clean. If a man considers himself a 10, well then fuck that guy anyhow (who has the audacity to think they’re perfect??).
It’s also a way to express ourselves. Those of us men who are still blessed with a full head of hair (trust me, those days can be numbered for any of us) have the freedom to form our hair in any way we desire. Do we want to look clean cut? Messy and rugged? This is rather important, because at first glance women tend to look at our faces a little more than we look at theirs, if y’know what I’m sayin’.
***
There’s a thing called fresh-cut confidence. It’s the reason why we get a haircut on Friday evening so that we’ll look our best in the clubs and bars. It’s why we make a pitstop at the barbershop right before Coachella. It’s why we make sure to get it done before we go on that date.
It’s amazing how men can feel completely better about themselves with their hair looking good. We may not even dress well, but good hair will carry us through. Men will have an extra hop in their step when they know the hair is on point.
Hair. It’s about life.
***
Actually, I can never quite get my hair to do what I want. That last bit of hair never stays put. And I haven’t even gone into body hair, and dare I say, pubic hair.
On second thought, I hate hair.
Such is life, however – we can love and hate the same thing.
I guess I was right. Hair really is life.
– Chris.
It’s been around seven weeks since Emily and I started this blog.
During this time, I have scoured the WordPress blogosphere and I have literally lost count of the number of posts I’ve read about how men are immature, creepy, and have a general lack of common sense.
Gee, y’all ladies are real funny.
No, to be honest, I enjoy reading these diatribes on males. The female bloggers we follow have great senses of humor and I look forward to reading more rants about the buffoonery surrounding men.
But yet, I am a man.
It’s like hearing a racist joke about Asians told by a non-Asian. It’s funny and I laugh, but I can’t help but feel some level of angst, right?
Actually, no, I love racist jokes. They never upset me, unless the joke is super lame. But I digress.
Here is what I want to say to the hetero-female bloggers out there:
Okay, I get it: men suck.
We can be Neanderthals at times, many times in fact. We always laugh if a fart or a dick joke is involved.
Our communication skills are, well let’s just say they can leave something to be desired. Sometimes we text you so much that the iMessage thought bubble seems permanently fixed to the text conversation, and yet there are other times when we act like you don’t even exist.
We want sex all the time. No dinner. No movie. No drinks. Just come over. Conversation? Bitch please. So what if it’s 3 AM and we live thirty miles away? Our magical penises will make it worth you’re while.
Do you feel those eyes staring at you from across the bar, burning a quarter-shaped hole into your cerebral cortex? Yeah, that’s us. We are on full-creep mode, our eyes looking you up and down as our mind’s eye undresses you, naked as the day you were born. And we don’t give a fuck.
We’ll buy you a drink. See, this way your inhibitions will go down and you’ll be shoving your vaginas in our faces. It’s a full-proof plan.
Movies? Books? Hobbies? Which ones do we like? Whichever one gets us in your pants.
***
Okay, calm down everyone. I just wanted to paint a picture of the men you all are describing in these blog posts.
Here’s the thing: to me, most of these guys sound like men in their twenties.
Men in their twenties are nothing but giant balls of testosterone (pun definitely intended) held together by bones, organs, and flesh.
You have to forgive them; it’s a biological thing. And now that every type of porn known to man is available in about 5 seconds, well they’re just jacking off constantly, and this is only making them more impatient and more prone to throw out manners and just go for the jugular.
Since it’s 2015 now, if a male was born between 1985 and 1995, he is probably masturbating to some grotesque shit right at this very moment. But I digress yet again.
***
There’s a silver lining: we mature at 30.
When we hit 30, we think, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we just listened once in a while?”
Or, “Wow, I actually enjoy spending a Friday night at home reading a good book.”
Or even still, “She’s got a cool personality. I appreciate the conversations we have.”
Wait, hold up, did you just say conversation? Yes I did. You see, we get better at that sort of thing, that whole human interaction thing. We give less shits about trying to impress you and more shits about being true to ourselves.
We learn to stand up for our principles and values, and this makes us unique.
We can develop genuine interest in you as a person, while still wanting to have sex with you, no doubt. But this we know can wait.
Guys get better at 30; we actually start to grow up.
But keep dating them twenty-somethings, because I love reading these blog posts.
Yours truly,
– Chris.
Men are victims to their aesthetics. Do they care more about looks than women? I don’t know, but I suppose it’s safe to say that we are influenced more by looks than women are.
Emily and I went see Ex Machina the other night. Without giving too much away, the movie dives into the psyche of Caleb, the man assigned to examine Ava, the Artificial Intelligence, or A.I. To Caleb’s surprise, he finds Ava to be fascinating and beautiful. He is attracted to her, and this feeling begins to influence the decisions he makes as the story develops.
This reminded me of another scene from another movie, the fittingly titled Beautiful Girls (watch it if you haven’t seen it. I highly recommend it). In this scene, Paul, played by Michael Rapaport, goes on a rant about the beauty of women. It’s actually quite good, in a quirky way:
We see it all the time – rich, powerful men with their beautiful trophy wives, the stereotypical, glaring example of women using their looks for personal gain. Surely, this isn’t the only case of men surrendering to a woman’s looks. What about the everyday situations where women use their beauty to their advantage? Are all women aware of the fact that they can use their looks to influence how men treat them? How many women have used their feminine charm at one point in their lives to help their cause?
Emily: One man’s loss is another woman’s gain. Whether it’s the free drink at the bar in exchange for conversation, the warning ticket from the officer in exchange for an “I’m so sorry, Sir, I was in a rush”, the free furniture delivery scheduled in exchange for a smile (yes, the salesman was a sucker), women know how to milk it. It wasn’t until an all girls trip to Las Vegas that I learned the power of the female body. Sin City makes every man wish they were rich and every woman wish they were beautiful.  As a woman, you are awarded free cover, VIP access, and free drinks from the men who pay bottle service. As a man, you better have that 3 grand to throw down on a table to get VIP access so you can watch all of that money be guzzled by the beautiful women you just paid for to sit at your table. Leave it to Vegas to reinforce this notion that men fall victim to their aesthetics.
Chris: Well, Vegas is outside of the norm. I guess what I’m curious about is how many women out there are aware of the fact that they can use their looks to their advantage, and how often, if ever, does the average woman actually put this into use? I know about the scenario of getting pulled over by the police, and there are other obvious instances like getting a drink from a bartender more quickly. But what are the more subtle cases where women get preferential treatment because of their looks?
Emily: Hmmmm. In the land outside of Vegas, I am sure the subtle treatment happens. Women may not be aware of it happening because it is so subtle. Occasionally, I’ve received a complimentary Starbucks drink and (more subtle) guacamole free of charge at Chipotle. Wild guess is the Starbucks barista was trying to be Mr. Suave because I’m sure he did not extend the same generous gesture to the bald man behind me. Whether the Chipotle cashier made a mistake or was subtly trying to charm me, I don’t know.  You hear stories of how women use their looks to their advantage a lot, even in the business world. I once talked to a beautiful realtor who told me she puts her headshot in her email signatures because it increases response rates. I don’t think these women are necessarily “using” their looks to their advantage in a deceptive way. I think the more appropriate way to phrase these situations is men are allowing themselves to be taken advantage of by freely giving it up. In the case of Mr. Starbucks and Mr. Chipotle, I don’t really know what they expected. “Why thank you, that’s so kind. You saved me a dollar. Here is my number. Holler.”
Chris: Not aware of it happening? Okay, sure. But you bring up a good point about deception. I think if a girl flaunts her good looks, milks it for everything its worth, and makes no bones about it then more power to her, but oftentimes guys get suckered into doing things for women because of their attractiveness. Hell, I wrote all about how I got Thomas Crowned. I just find it amazing how men of all statuses and intellects can fall to the charms of a woman’s beauty. It’s fucking annoying, but we’re just wired that way I guess. It’s going to happen to all of us – we just need to know the fine line between allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of in minor circumstances and becoming a total bitch and pushover. Do I sound bitter? I’m not bitter.
People who think they’re funny are the worst.
Meet your new coworker – Jim Halpert. At first glance, he seems like a normal guy. He’s tall, lean, and well kept. He greets you with a smile and introduces himself. You start making small talk. Okay, he seems cool. He’s into sports, just like you, and he’s been assigned to be your new neighbor. Great. Looks like this will be fun. He’s smart, has a good sense of humor, and knows how to hold a conversation.
For some reason, the boss has already tapped him as the golden child. You work just as hard as this guy, and yet here he is getting all of the credit. Does Jim have some incriminating information on your boss? Don’t get me wrong, he’s a smart guy and pretty capable when it comes to work, but c’mon, he’s hardly employee of the year. You’ve been here longer than he has and yet you can sense that he’s got the inside track to Assistant Regional Manager. Well, never mind, maybe he is qualified for a promotion. It just seems a bit odd, doesn’t it?
You begin to notice that Jim’s getting awfully flirty with the receptionist. That’s strange because she’s engaged to one of the warehouse guys. What’s he trying to pull here? The boss seems pretty oblivious to the fact that Jim is spending less time doing his work and more time chatting with the receptionist, yet he’s still being treated like the #1 employee. You start to realize that this is unfair. There’s some blatant favoritism happening, and you’re not the one reaping the rewards.
In his attempt to look cool in front of the receptionist, Jim decides to steal your phone and hide it in the ceiling. Huh, is this for real? He proceeds to call it, as he and the receptionist chuckle at your expense as you frantically search for your lost phone. He thinks he’s so funny. This guy is starting to act like a total douche.
Well, this is getting awkward – Jim is now dating another coworker. The receptionist is constantly in a bad mood and she’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. What’s worse is that Jim and the coworker are bringing their relationship baggage to work. You don’t want to deal with this shit. Clearly, everyone can tell when they’ve had a fight the night before. This is very unprofessional, and yet, the boss still thinks he’s so awesome.
This might have been the last straw. Putting your stapler in a bowl of jello? Who does this? That is the work of a sick individual. He’s clearly playing mind games with you. He wants to break you down psychologically and emotionally until you lose your marbles. Clearly, Jim takes pleasure in belittling and putting down others around him to elevate himself. What a dick. He wants to look super attractive to the women around him by insulting and pranking you to no end. You were definitely way off on your initial impression on him, and you’ve really let him get away with some boorish behavior for too long. And to make it even worse, he just got promoted to Assistant Regional Manager.
I think it’s safe to say, Fuck this guy.
– Chris
No man is undefeated.
Tonight is the night of the big fight – Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. It’s the dream matchup, good vs. evil, cocky vs. humble, defense vs. offense. I was going to write a post about the fight itself, what to watch for and its social significance in our culture. But, instead, let’s discuss a more important fight, the ones to avoid with your girl.
To the fellas – I know we’ve seen men go undefeated. Floyd Mayweather hasn’t lost (yet) a fight, the ’72 Dolphins went undefeated, and the UCLA basketball team went undefeated 4 times during the ’60s and ’70s. But, when it comes to the game of love and relationships, NO MAN is undefeated. In fact, I can’t think of any man who’s won more fights with his girl than lost. Women just have a way of breaking us down round by round like a championship prize fighter. With that said, here are some tips to avoid fights with your special lady.
Be Responsive
Girls love to talk. I mean, they really love to talk. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing. Your girl wants to let you in on her thoughts and feelings. She wants to be close to you. I know, sometimes us men just want to turn off our brains and just relax, but we must remember women are wired much differently. So if you’ve sat through half a quarter of an NBA game, seen multiple lead changes and and-1’s, with your girl all the while talking to you about her day, and you haven’t said a word to her or even taken your eyes off the screen, do your self a favor and engage in the conversation that she’s obviously started 15 minutes ago.
Yeah, this sums it up.
Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
Your girl is beautiful. She’s a one-of-a-kind purple unicorn that’s most fortunately committed to being in a relationship with you. She’s funny, intelligent, and great to be around. I mean, hell, she’s willing to be naked in front of you, and even more astounding, she doesn’t run out of the room in hysterical laughter once you’ve taken your clothes off. She should be reminded regularly that she’s #1, and if you’re a guy that thinks telling her the one time that you think she’s pretty is going to be enough, well then I pity that fool.
Say Yes
Do you want to come with me to lunch with my girlfriend from out of town? Yes. Do you want to go try that new Chinese restaurant 20 miles away? Yes. Do you want to spend the day cleaning the house? Yes. Instead of watching football, do you want to go to Costco with me? Yes. Do you want to read this book together? Yes. Get the point?
She’s Not One of The Guys
We all want that girl that can, at times, be just like one of the guys. You know, the kind you can go to the sports bar with in the afternoon and eat wings, drink beers, and watch games all day. Well, newsflash – no girl will ever be one of the guys. The way we talk, act, and generally waste our time with the boys can’t go on with our girl. Whether they will admit it or not, girls want a special kind of attention from you, the kind that will remind her that she is special to you. So just leave the profanity-laced gluttony time with the fellas.
Just Do It
Did she ask you if you can go to Starbucks and get her a chai latte? Did she ask you to take out the trash? Did she ask you to walk the dog? Did she ask you to get her a cup of water even though you’re all nice and comfy in bed? Just fucking do it.
Well, I hope this helps. We have a great fight on our hands tonight. But just remember, there are fights that we look forward to in life and there are fights we best wish to avoid. Let’s be like Mayweather and duck fights, because, in the case of you and your girl, you will not be getting paid $200 million to fight.
* Emily will be back, I promise.
A Couple Talks 