New Coworkers Are Awful

Am I a good person? Clearly, I am not.

I question people who don’t question themselves. How can anyone be so sure of his quality as a human being? Oftentimes I find that those that can make such bold proclamations like I’m a good mom, or I’m definitely capable of getting the job done are the exact opposite of what they’re saying.

I don’t ever want to hang out with someone who never doubts himself, someone who lacks the introspection to question how good of a person he really is.

Just as I say these things, I must admit – doubting myself sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a good person. I mean, don’t we all want to be loved? Isn’t that the whole point of all this?

The other day, I met a new coworker. Let’s just call her Gina (either pronunciation, conventional or the one from The 40-Year Old Virgin, works here). She’s a woman who, from the looks of her, is in her early forties. In an office where the standard energy level of the employees is at a steady 4 out of 10, she bursts onto the scene at level 9. Her smile is about as fake as Giada de Laurentiis’s, made of plastic, just like Vicki of Small Wonder fame.

That’s all I needed to know right there. She hasn’t even said a word yet. She could be Mother Theresa reincarnated. Not a fan already.

She says Hi, nice to meet you! as if I’m a mentally disabled child – slow, loud, and deliberate. Is this a joke? Is she just fucking with me? I want to tell her to STFU, I honestly do, but of course, all I can muster up is the standard level 4 Oh hey, it’s nice to meet you. Welcome. I can feel my vagina growing. And of course, Gina continues to drone about how excited she is to be here and how she’s so looking forward to working with everyone here. Bitch, please. Your bullshit smells worse than my farts. Actually, they don’t; my farts smell really bad.

I go home that day and I think about this brief exchange. This woman never did anything to me. In fact, she was nothing but polite when we met.

So why do I hate her so goddamn much?

Clearly, I have issues. I must be a horrible person. As time goes on, my inner-misanthrope seems to grow stronger and stronger. Instead of seeing the good, I am subconsciously trying to find any reason to dislike anyone I meet. Perhaps this is indicative of my own self-loathing ways.

But then, during the next day of work, another coworker comes by and says, That new girl Gina, what’s her deal? A-ha! So she is hate-able. Okay, I am not alone. Phew.

I think, to a degree, everyone wants to be likable. Hell, I don’t want to be anyone’s Gina. I don’t want to be the subject of anyone’s hatred just from a mere glance.

At the same time, I can’t control how other people feel. As Trent told Mikey in the diner (Swingers reference), I don’t like some people, and some people don’t like me. Come to think of it, I’m sure that I am someone’s Gina.

So what’s the conclusion? I guess it’s that Haters’ gonna hate. Yes, it’s a bit corrosive to the soul to hate people, period, let alone for unjustified reasons. But hey, drinking is corrosive to the liver, and yet, I still drink beer because it tastes so good.

Trust me, you wouldn’t like Gina either.



Why Men Hate Jim Halpert

People who think they’re funny are the worst.

Meet your new coworker – Jim Halpert. At first glance, he seems like a normal guy. He’s tall, lean, and well kept. He greets you with a smile and introduces himself. You start making small talk. Okay, he seems cool. He’s into sports, just like you, and he’s been assigned to be your new neighbor. Great. Looks like this will be fun. He’s smart, has a good sense of humor, and knows how to hold a conversation.

For some reason, the boss has already tapped him as the golden child. You work just as hard as this guy, and yet here he is getting all of the credit. Does Jim have some incriminating information on your boss? Don’t get me wrong, he’s a smart guy and pretty capable when it comes to work, but c’mon, he’s hardly employee of the year. You’ve been here longer than he has and yet you can sense that he’s got the inside track to Assistant Regional Manager. Well, never mind, maybe he is qualified for a promotion. It just seems a bit odd, doesn’t it?

You begin to notice that Jim’s getting awfully flirty with the receptionist. That’s strange because she’s engaged to one of the warehouse guys. What’s he trying to pull here? The boss seems pretty oblivious to the fact that Jim is spending less time doing his work and more time chatting with the receptionist, yet he’s still being treated like the #1 employee. You start to realize that this is unfair. There’s some blatant favoritism happening, and you’re not the one reaping the rewards.

In his attempt to look cool in front of the receptionist, Jim decides to steal your phone and hide it in the ceiling. Huh, is this for real? He proceeds to call it, as he and the receptionist chuckle at your expense as you frantically search for your lost phone. He thinks he’s so funny. This guy is starting to act like a total douche.

Well, this is getting awkward – Jim is now dating another coworker. The receptionist is constantly in a bad mood and she’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. What’s worse is that Jim and the coworker are bringing their relationship baggage to work. You don’t want to deal with this shit. Clearly, everyone can tell when they’ve had a fight the night before. This is very unprofessional, and yet, the boss still thinks he’s so awesome.

This might have been the last straw. Putting your stapler in a bowl of jello? Who does this? That is the work of a sick individual.  He’s clearly playing mind games with you. He wants to break you down psychologically and emotionally until you lose your marbles. Clearly, Jim takes pleasure in belittling and putting down others around him to elevate himself. What a dick. He wants to look super attractive to the women around him by insulting and pranking you to no end. You were definitely way off on your initial impression on him, and you’ve really let him get away with some boorish behavior for too long. And to make it even worse, he just got promoted to Assistant Regional Manager.

I think it’s safe to say, Fuck this guy.

– Chris