Month: September 2015

Football, I Just Can’t Quit You

It’s been two weeks since my last blog post.

I’d love to say that I’ve been busy feeding the poor, saving the manatees, or doing 10,000 push-ups – pretty much anything productive.

The truth is, I haven’t done a damn thing besides watch football.

Hey, I can look at things objectively – spending an entire weekend watching football is about as ridiculous as waiting in line for the premiere of a Harry Potter movie in full-on Ron Weasley cosplay as an adult (and no, I have not done that). I know Emily loves my obsession with football. When she’s saying something to me during a game and I don’t even turn my face away from the TV to look into her eyes, she thinks I’m the biggest loser ever. And I am.

Let’s think about it – football is a sport marketed as being masculine and full of bravado yet straight males all over the country completely ignore their beautiful girlfriends and wives to watch grown men, in essence, wrestle each other over a ball.

In a weird twist, comic book nerds think I’m such a loser for watching gratuitous amounts of football, because surely collecting mint condition action figures and obscure limited edition issues only released in Japan is a way better use of time.

I get absolutely nothing done when football’s on TV. I’ll move a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer and let it dry only to have it sit in my dryer for the whole weekend. I’ll hold in my piss until I can’t anymore because I don’t want to miss a play. My exercise for the day is getting into my car and driving to get carne asada burritos. I won’t shave at all so by Sunday night I’ll have the classic ironicly-thin Asian man mustache. I know, I know, I’ll stop – the ladies are getting too hot and bothered. Don’t want to get y’all too aroused – I am taken, after all.

Look, I know it’s dumb, but like Jake Gyllenhall famously said, I wish I knew how to quit you, football.

Hell, I’m watching a show about football right now as I write this blog post. This is sick. I’m a sick person. Then again, I’ve probably already established that by now, haven’t I.

This kind of symbolizes what’s going on in society today. As individuals, we have the potential to accomplish quite a bit, but what do we do instead? Watch someone else accomplish things on TV.

I’ve made up my mind – I’m going to turn this damn TV off.

After these highlights.

Chris.

Q-Tip, Q-Tip, Throw It Away

Yes, I just quoted Kevin James in Hitch.

That movie, for all its ridiculousness and unrealistic depictions of love and romance (when would a billionaire modelesque woman ever fall for her overweight doofus accountant?), does give some good advice to men out there seeking the affections of a certain woman. You do need to plan things out when courting a woman. You do need to put your best foot forward. And, when necessary, you should lie. Just kidding, don’t lie, but don’t reveal everything up front. Leave something to mystery, alright?

But this post is not about dating. It’s about throwing stuff away.

I recently changed office locations at my job, which meant that I had to pack things up in boxes for the move. This also meant that I had to look through everything in my office to see what I wanted to keep and throw away the things I no longer needed.

Boy, was there a lot I didn’t need anymore.

I had papers from 2005 lying around. I had old t-shirts from company events that I would never dare to be seen in public wearing, yet these were the types of things that I found lying around, untouched for years.

Let me tell you something: I love throwing stuff away. Few things in life give me more pleasure than dumping loads of useless filth into a trash can. It’s like hitting the reset button. You’re playing a game, and when things start to go awry you begin to wish that you can start the game over, so you hit reset. It feels great. It actually feels very similar to losing weight. You feel lighter, freer, and more flexible.

I just don’t get hoarders. I don’t understand why people would want to keep things forever, knowing full well that the possessions they want to hold onto will never be of use to them. Maybe I’m just not very sentimental.

But it’s not just the hoarders, it’s all of us that have a certain problem, an ill-fitted disposition, if you will. Whether we know it or not, we are raised to always be accumulating stuff. More clothes, more electronics, bigger homes, newer products. It just never ends. I admit it, I feel the need to upgrade my iPhone every two years, and as a result, I have 3 iPhones lying around in my home, with a fourth one probably on the way in about a month or two.

Now that I’ve taken care of my office, I should start looking in my home now. I’m sure there are tons of things I can throw away, or better yet, donate. As a man, I like to stay somewhat fashionable with my clothes, which means I have a healthy regular rotation of five shirts that I always wear. The rest of it I don’t need. There’s a whole slew of other things in my home sitting there, collecting dust from years of neglect. I simply don’t need them at all.

I know there’s enough pointless holidays already (Valentine’s Day, Presidents Day, Columbus Day, etc.), but what if there was a Throw-Your-Useless-Shit-Away Day? A day that would be designated for everyone to stay home and collect all their useless possessions to either discard or donate?

Now that would be a holiday worth celebrating.

Chris.